For so long Oscar was my inspiration.  He was a concept, a future baby that would fill the Axel-shaped gap in my soul.  Not perfectly, because that would be impossible.  But the idea of him was my touchstone throughout the hell of that loss and the difficult process of getting pregnant again and carrying Oscar to his early birthday.  He was my missing piece.

I didn’t know who he would be of course, but I felt like I knew him.  Needed him to get through my days of bereavement and despair.  And now here he is.  In full bloom.  Not a dream baby but an obstreperous toddler with a backpack and an attitude.  Like all mothers when looking at their youngest child running around and becoming a person, I honestly don’t know where the time went.  What a victory to be able to say that, after painfully slow days filled with the quick sand of depression.  Turns out everyone was right.  Time really does heal.

Today I dropped my concept off at Tot’s Spot for his very first day of ‘school.’  If that isn’t healing, I don’t know what is.